Junior Prankster
by blueoceandragon
Summary: The Weasley twins overheard Ron's comment about Hermione's being insufferable and decide to take her under their wing.
1. Chapter 1

"_She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!"_

Fred, hidden rather ignominiously behind a tapestry outside the Charms classroom in a tangle of limbs with his twin, winced. He recognized his brother's voice instantly. After all, their younger brother was the reason they had been holed up in this blasted corridor for the better part of a quarter hour.

Evidently, the object of his brother's ire also heard his words, as an owl's nest of brown hair came flying past their hiding place, choking back a sob.

"I am tempted to revise our prank, Brother Mine, to be slightly less charitable to dear Ronniekins," George solemnly informed his other half once the first-year Gryffindors had bumbled past.

"Too true. To think, we-good, kind brothers-were planning on making bubbles come out his ears-"

"-and then he goes on insulting little firsties and besmirching our honorable Weasley name!"

A passing fourth year Hufflepuff nearly tripped and stared at George in horror upon hearing this pronouncement.

"Mostly honorable Weasley name!" Fred amended with no less enthusiasm.

They ambled back to the Common Room, alternately wondering how their dearest brother had gone so far astray ("Do you think we left him with Percy for too long that one time?") or what sort of retribution was fit for their brother ("I'll bet _he _won't have any friends if his ears slowly leak gobs of wax at all hours!)

They settled down into two chairs by the fire.

"What about a charm that only let's him speak wrong answers in class?" George offered.

"First, that sounds impossible to pull off-but brilliant and we should work on it. Second, how would anyone notice the difference between Ronnie's normal time in class?"

"Too true. I often wondered what you'd gotten in exchange for my getting all the looks. Must have been brains."

"Forge, did you just call me ugly?!"

"Never. You know you're a beautiful flower, dearest," George twirled his finger through his twin's hair inexpertly, getting it tangled and yanking Fred's head sharply to the side.

"Ouch! You maniac! Leave my poor tresses alone!" He massaged his scalp dramatically before adding, "Where's Lee? We should get him in on this. An outside perspective on our dearest brother's punishment might be just what we need!"

George whipped a tattered piece of parchment from his sleeve and whispered "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." Both twins watched as ink bled across the paper, loops and whorls dancing around each other to sketch out the entire castle. They scanned the parchment looking for their friend's name.

"Bugger," Fred swore, pointing to a dot at the far left side.

"She could just be using the loo," George suggested.

Both of them watching the tiny dot marked "Hermione Granger" sitting stationary in the girls' lavatory. They half-heartedly watched the parchment, willing the girl they'd seen run past them crying to move out of the room. But with a younger sister at home (and a shared bathroom), they were rather familiar with the custom of holing up for a good cry.

The other dots in the castle were quickly converging on the Great Hall; the feast was clearly about to begin. Fred's stomach rumbled in anticipation; the Halloween feast was among their favorite meals of the year.

Hermione's dot remained stuck in the lavatory.

"I reckon we should go fetch her and redeem the family's honor," George finally stated.

"Too true. Need a good pretense though. If she's anything like Ginny, she'd be mortified to be 'rescued.'"

"I'm sure we'll think of something on the way." George had already scuttled towards the portrait hole.

Fred ran in the opposite direction, shouting something about "supplies." He emerged moments later with a dented cauldron and a few flasks of miscellaneous ingredients they used for their pranks.

"I figured 'brewing something in the bathroom for the feast' is about what a firstie would expect from the infamous Weasley twins, eh?"

"We're infamous now? When did that happen?" George grabbed the cauldron as his twin hopped out of the portrait behind him.

They both stopped to wink at the Fat Lady as she admonished them to behave.

*** JP ** JP ** JP ***

They stood about ten paces away from the lavatory door, checking their map one last time that their firstie-in-distress was still inside.

Fred started their dialogue, "Come on, quick. This lavatory is always empty."

They bumped the door open and noisily started clanging their props into one of the sinks.

"Did you bring the bat tongue?"

"Of course I did, you nitwit. I wouldn't just forget a key ingredient-" Fred cut off as if he were surprised to hear a sound in the bathroom.

"Is someone there?" he called.

A sniffle and a muffled "don't worry I'm not coming out" came from the stall at the end.

George nodded and both brothers approached the stall.

"That seems to be a rather unfortunate stance. See, we were planning on using this bathroom for nefarious purposes, so anyone in this bathroom needs to be either or a co-conspirator or sworn to secrecy."

"Fred and George?" the shaky voice queried.

"The mysterious lavatory recluse knows us! I told you we were infamous!" Fred trilled.

A choked laugh echoed through the small room.

"Lavatory loner has rather a better ring to it, I reckon," George offered.

There was silence on the other side of the door, followed by more quiet sobs.

George shot a panicked look at his twin.

"Hermione," Fred offered, "what's wrong?"

"You're… right! I am a loner… with no friends but my books! I-I- thought it would be different here, that's I'd have friends…" her words fell away into wracking cries.

"Sometimes we can be loners too. We're a bit of a package deal, you know. I don't think we properly made any friends until after holidays our first year. Too wrapped up in talking to each other," Fred offered.

There was silence from the other side of the door.

"Hermione?"

She still didn't respond.

Fred nodded meaningfully and tilted his head towards the sink.

"Well, I suppose we better finish this prank potion for our pesky younger brother. Then what do you reckon, go to the kitchens and grab some food to take up to the Common Room?"

"Good idea, Gred. I wonder if any Restroom Recluses, Lavatory Loners, or Stall Solitarians would want to join us?"

They worked quietly to whip up an ageing potion; Fred was pretty sure they could get it to localize to only Ron's face, which somehow seemed much funnier than turning all of him into a withered old man.

A click from the other side of the room sounded.

"It's solitudinarian," she offered as she splashed water over her face.

George winked at his brother.

"Well, know that you're out of the lavatory, you're really none of those things. Come on, let's all go to the kitchens, load u on as disgustingly much food as we possibly can, go to the common room, and eat that mound of food," Fred suggested. He swept a dramatic bow and offered his hand to Hermione.

George bumped him with his hip and sketched an ever bigger, more absurd bow. Hermione giggled and grabbed both of their hands.

"What potion did you make?"

"Well, it's mostly an aging potion…" George started as the trio walked out of the tiny girls' lavatory.

**JP ** JP ** JP **

An hour later, Fred and George were busy showing and re-telling their greatest feats to a rapt audience of one, who'd they ensconced in the biggest, comfiest chair in the common room, her lap laden with treats from the House Elves. Their haul was, in fact, the best they'd ever gotten; the elves seemed to love Hermione as much as she'd loved them. She had asked all of their names, how they liked Hogwarts, how they liked baking and cooking, and hugging each of them who brought over food. One of them had even braided her hair.

Fred was just about to launch into one of their crowning achievements-and, coincidentally the reason Professor Snape never turned his back on them in the Potions classroom-when the portrait hole burst open and their classmates poured in, shouting. Percy was trying vainly to impose order on the unruly bunch.

"Did they just say 'troll in the dungeon!'" George gasped. He frantically looked for Lee, who was, fortunately, beelining towards them.

"Where were you guys?" Lee asked, unceremoniously dumping himself onto the floor and digging into the chicken pot pie. "Halloween feast, your favorite? Anyways, interrupted by Quirrell stuttering about a troll in the dungeons! He fainted. Everyone got sent back to their dormitories!"

"Don't the Slytherins live in the dungeons?" Hermione piped in.

Lee looked up from his pie, startled. "Uh, yeah."

The twins immediately burst into laughter.

"I can't-" Fred started.

"-WAIT to see-"

"-you mean HEAR-"

"-how many Howler's from Slytherin parents-"

"-Dumbly will get tomorrow!"

"Half a galleon Malfoy wets his pants," Lee joked.

"Do you reckon his father will hear about that, or will that be the one thing he hides?" Hermione mused.

"I love her!" Lee cackled, "Where did you find her? Is she ours? Can we keep her?"

He gazed at Hermione with big puppy dog eyes, making her giggle again. Fred and George both felt their hearts lift a little; they'd done a good job cheering up the little bullied firstie.

George snapped, "She can be our mascot! We've never had a mascot before!"

"Ooh, I've always wanted a mascot!"

Hermione rolled her eyes but the smile never left her face as she continued munching on her dinner.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

It was almost Christmas-time at Hogwarts. Hermione had sort-of become their little mascot. She was still much of a loner, not making many friends in her year, but she stuck to Fred, George, and Lee like a loyal puppy. She was quick-witted, clever, and extremely loyal. While she didn't seem to relish in pranks the way the boys did, she happily helped brainstorm and troubleshoot spells and potions, especially if it meant learning new, more advanced techniques. She even come out with after hours a handful of times, once even feigning an outburst of tears when they were caught by Professor Sprout; the twins had explained they were looking for her when she hadn't come back to the common room as she tearfully choked up about being chased by Peeves, allowing all of them to get off without detentions or even lost house points. Apparently (Lee had his sources among the first years) she had toned down her aggressive answering in class but the fact that she was now moving on to even more advanced material and spells had not escaped the notice of her classmates or her teachers.

Sitting at the Gryffindor table, Fred looked fondly at the bushy-haired brunette who was whispering furiously with his brother. He's always fancied he and George were excellent big brothers; their foundling sibling Hermione seemed to prove it. He reckoned they were mostly a good influence-she was definitely happier and he personally considered after-hours rule-breaking a formative character-building exercise.

His fond reverie was broken by the voice of Lavatory Brown (Hermione always smothered a grin when he said it): "I mean she's such a boring swot. All she does is read and hang on the third year's coattails. I can't believe they haven't kicked her to the curb yet."

Fred felt his face getting flushed. He immediately glanced at Hermione to see if she'd heard, and saw she was sitting as still as a statue. He was readying a response when he heard his brother pipe up.

"Reckon they just feel bad for her. Or maybe they're experimenting on her for their pranks! Gotta use someone no one will miss…"

"I rather think they'd experiment on _you _if that was the criterion," Hermione calmly intoned.

Fred and George burst into laughter. Apparently they'd trained her well!

"Aww, Ickle Ronniekins, better try attacking something a little less ferocious next time-"

"-we'd recommend Puffskeins-"

"-they're probably about your speed."

"But don't worry, we still love you! Why we remember when you were just a little tyke…"

"Gah! I get it!" Ron had stood up, face scarlet, and was already stomping away from the table.

"I'm sorry I was mean to your brother," Hermione whispered looking timidly between the twins.

"Don't worry about it! We've adopted you as our little sister, which pretty much makes him your brother too, if my understanding of genealogy doesn't fail me…" Fred replied cheerily.

"Hey! You can't just unilaterally adopt her! What if I wanted to adopt her?" Lee interjected.

"She definitely likes us better," George sniffed.

"Undoubtedly," Fred agreed.

"Hermione?" Lee asked hopefully.

"I would like to announce that I am currently holding auditions and accepting bribes for the position of favorite big brother," she announced grandly.

"Done!" the three third years chorused.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Glad folks have liked this zany story so far! It's been really fun, but hard to write! The twins are so clever, it takes me forever to think of what they'd think up. I'll try to post quickly, but I won't sacrifice quality for quantity of posts. This chapter is a bit silly; I swear more plot will be introduced later!**

**Guests: Thanks for all the story love! **

**David-El: The twins and Lee got there first; since they arrived well before dinner, Harry never got the chance. In this chapter, you'll learn more about what changes from Hermione not connecting with Harry and Ron over the troll!**

**Wildcatatheart: Thanks! I'm definitely continuing; it just takes time for the creative juices to flow. **

**Brockster550: Yay! I'm glad you're enjoying this so far. I think they are big hearted people who would have wanted to help bullied students, which is where this whole plot bunny started…**

**Brys: Thank you! It's been fun to write too!**

"Lee, why does Ginny inform me that you wrote her a letter?" Fred casually asked over breakfast two days later.

Lee spluttered, inadvertently scattering bits of eggs across his plate.

"Little traitor!" he swore under his breath.

"You weren't hoping to get intel on how we'd approach this challenge, were you?" George chimed in, his attention diverted from his own breakfast momentarily.

"These are high-stakes, boys," Lee loudly proclaimed. "Best big brother? Having no younger siblings myself, this is a lofty title."

He winked at Hermione who gave him a lopsided grin.

"Well, trying to sneak information from dearest Ginevra is simply beyond the pale, Old Chap!" Fred admonished, brandishing his spoon menacingly.

George nodded seriously, although the effect was diminished by a small bit of jam that had flown from Fed's spoon onto his nose.

"Besides," George added, "Ginny's loyal to us and would never betray our confidence." The jam plopped from his nose onto his pancake, causing him to look in confusion at the ceiling.

"So the information she gave me about Cind-" Lee was cut off as Fred tackled him.

"Lee, there are young, and more importantly, meant-to-be-surprised ears present!"

Hermione watched the exchange with unabashed interest.

**JP**JP**JP**

Despite the morning's antics, Hermione did not notice her three shadows as she walked towards Herbology with the rest of her class later that afternoon, nor the scuffling shadows that bobbed outside. However, upon exiting the greenhouses, she _did_ notice the neon fuchsia pony with a pale pink mane that was peacefully grazing next to the greenhouses. If she'd somehow missed the pony, the enormous flashing bow on its neck or the huge white carriage it towed behind it might have tipped her off.

"For Hermione, the best little sister* (*unless Ginny ever asks about this, in which case we deny any and all knowledge of this event!)," Parvati read aloud from the bow in an awed voice. The first years from her class were clustered around the animal, who practically preened under the attention.

"Right, make way! Make way!" Fred announced in a grand voice. "Special delivery for Miss Hermione Granger! One epic carriage ride and tea party with the best company imaginable!"

Lee and George swept huge bows behind him.

"But first, we need to be dressed for the occasion," Fred dramatically raised his left hand and at that signal, each cast a complicated charm. A huge poof of pale blue smoke coated the entire class for nearly thirty seconds. When the smoke cleared, Hermione was dressed in a yellow gown with swoops of fabric on the skirt. Her hair was neatly curled in fancy up-do and she sported long yellow gloves. George was in a long pink gown, his hair the same brilliant red but several feet longer. Fred was dressed similarly, but with long blonde hair instead. Lee's hair was a short black bob and he sported a blue and yellow dress.

"I'm a bit old for Disney princesses," she haughtily informed them. The effect was somewhat ruined by her experimentally twirling around in her dress.

"Come old chums! Tea awaits no man-err, no lasses!" Fred cried and the four of them clambered into the carriage with about as much grace as one would expect from three teenage boys wearing ballgowns for the first time.

The rest of the class stared as the pony towed the improbably carriage and more improbable group towards the path around the lake.

"Mental, all of them," Ron muttered as half the class sighed longingly.

**JP**JP**JP**

That might have been the end of it, but Quidditch was still postponed indefinitely after Harry Potter had been-allegedly, the Slytherins often amended-hexed to fall off his broom during the first Quidditch match and had fallen over a hundred feet towards the cold, November ground. Madame Hooch had managed to partially arrest his fall, but due to the strong anti-spell wards on the pitch (to prevent cheating) her spell had only worked at about a quarter strength. Ministry workers could still be seen occasionally bustling around the pitch, investigating the situation and updating the wards around the pitch to allow a select number of safety spells to be cast by professors. As with anything involving the Ministry, it was going slowly!

And well, the next morning breakfast, Hermione appeared with a detailed scoring chart and handed Fred, George, and Lee each a copy. George had gotten 6 points, Fred 5, and Lee 4.

And thus, rather like normal, pandemonium was unleashed.

Fred charmed all the Gryffindor student's (and quite a few Hufflepuff) robes to flash "Hermione Granger is our queen" in glittery letters (he'd lost points for being "mortifying"). Lee had arranged for the textbook authors of Hermione's texts to come to the castle for book signings (extra points were awarded for the event being inclusive of other students). George bribed Peeves to follow Malfoy around and drip mud on him-for a full week-after he'd insulted Hermione's blood status and then managed to waylay the owl bringing his new robes to replace them with red and gold sequined versions. Lee had then enlisted Angelina and Katie Bell to sneak into Hermione's dorm and transfigure her section of the room into a plush mini-library; Fred had then written to her parents to send copies of all Hermione's favorite books from home to fill it. The trio had collaborated to turn all of the teachers into Hermione carbon-copies, but only Sprout, Dumbledore, and Vector had accepted the cookies (delivered by a Hufflepuff to cover their tracks). George had gotten a budding seventh-year artist to paint a portrait of all of them in their Dizzy Princess gowns and had hung it with a permanent sticking charm in the Gryffindor common room. On a daily basis, they fell over themselves to carry her books (despite her protestations that they were missing class), pick the choicest desserts, and fetch books for her in the library.

When Hermione waved good-bye to the Weasley twins as she and Lee boarded the Hogwarts Express for the holidays, the score tallied Fred: 59, George 57, and Lee 63. Hermione has declared the holidays were a "moratorium" but she would be making the final announcement the first week after the holidays ended "to spare the student populace."

However, she had failed to place the moratorium on preparations, which meant that when Hermione stepped back off the Express in January, all three boys had been plotting their Show Stopping Last Ditch Effort to be Crowned Best Big Brother. Fred and George had also started a betting pool among the professors and students remaining at the castle over who would emerge victorious that had been startlingly popular; they were looking forward to extending it to the general populace once they returned.

On Tuesday Fred, a team of owls delivered a giant box to the Gryffindor breakfast table, which- after a delay as the owls navigating where to set it down that wouldn't knock over goblets of juice and smash pancakes despite Fred's attempts to get them to do just that-contained a set of 50 cute stuffed dolls depicting Hermione's favorite book characters. Emma's blonde yarn curls bobbed as she said "I may have lost my heart by not my self control!" when picked up; Peter Pan levitated slightly and pronounced that dreams do come true; Miss Tiggywinkle wrung her paws in her apron and muttered about tea.

On Thursday at dinner George announced that a spectacular event was ongoing on the Quidditch pitch; the students brave enough to follow a Weasley twin found a magical carnival full of games and a few rides. The lights from the carnival lit up the pitch like miniature fireworks, although the real, full-size ones followed later. George revealed (under duress from his own twin and best mate!) that he had had copious help from Professor Flitwick, whom he suspected had bet on George in their Best Big Brother Betting scheme. Many of the booth workers were indeed from Ravenclaw, although he suspected that was because they were smart enough to realize the pay for two hours work was pretty generous. Even with their generous pay and asking only a knut for most rides and games, George expected they'd make a pretty tidy profit. Not that that was the primary goal, he hurriedly assured Hermione.

Lee had been suspiciously quiet all week and neither Fred, George, nor Hermione had been able to pry any information out of him. With the score at 75, 73, 63, Lee should have been quaking in his boots. _Was he conceding_, Fred pondered. _Had someone nefarious cast a Confundus, rendering him unable to compete_, George had wondered. But no amount of teasing compelled an answer. He just smirked knowingly.

On Friday, with five minutes to spare before Hermione's declaration of the Best Big Brother, Lee handed her a piece of paper. She quickly unfolded it and started to read. Lee smirked when about a paragraph in her eyes bulged in surprise and she squealed in delight. "I can take an exam to be able to skip 2nd year courses and go right into the advanced stuff?! I had been so worried I wouldn't be able to fit in all the electives," she gushed.

"You're already registered, and you'll find the exam preparation materials on your bedstand. I've looked through them myself; you've mastered almost all of it already and the exam isn't until mid-July," Lee responded smugly.

"An exam to allow her to do more work," Fred muttered darkly. "That wanker. He's definitely won with that!"


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thanks again for following along with this silly fun! **

**Anne: Thank you! **

**Smithback: I am glad you like Lee! I am enjoying writing him and getting very fond of him as well.**

**Fast Frank: Thanks for catching that. I've added Lee to the featured characters list.**

**RebeccaRoy: Agreed! One cannot set up a contest with that crowd and not crown a winner... who knows what would happen!**

In the end, Fred was right; getting Hermione special dispensation to take more advanced classes and producing "beautifully organized study plans" (Hermione's words; the twins had mimed vomiting upon hearing this) had boosted Lee to the top, by a single point. More importantly for her proud brothers, she'd "announced" this by spiking his morning pumpkin juice with a potion that caused his hair to look just exactly like Hermione's and caused him to tack on the phrase "but not as amazing as my fantastic little sister Hermione" any time he mentioned a name other than Hermione's. It took him three days to remove the spell, although only about 20 minutes to realize he could say all sorts of embarrassing things about other people which made the added phrase mortifying for the Junior Prankster. "Fred is the most amazing farter at Hogwarts; his toots are just so smelly and rank… but not as amazing as my fantastic little sister Hermione," he'd tested experimentally. She had threatened to revoke the matching "big brother" / "little sister" sweatshirts she'd gotten them though, which reigned in his comments. A bit.

Fred and George had conceded gracefully, or as gracefully as they were capable of, which meant they spent a full day looking at her mournfully and gasping in shock when she "deigned to speak with us unworthy brothers." And transfigured their own versions of the sibling sweatshirts to say "unwanted brother 1" and "unwanted brother 2" and wore them whenever Lee and Hermione wore theirs.

Coincidentally, Lee's winning garnered Professor Snape a tidy sum as the sole bettor on Mr. Jordan, which caused Lee to spend several days figuring out how to sabotage his own potion in such a spectacular, unforgettable way that any inadvertent favorable impression the slimy git might have had of him was erased. The creation of said explosion-of-unremoveable-glitter-from-what-was-supposed-to-be-a-burn-salve happily occupied all three senior and one junior prankster for the better part of a week (and then the better part of two weeks in detention after its execution).

And so, other than the fact that Hermione now spent much of her time studying for an exam rather than learning miscellaneous new spells from the third year curriculum and had a new favorite jumper, things returned more or less to normal. Classes continued calmly until students realized exams were near and then the library because a madhouse of frantic studying and the infirmary was filled with botched attempts at memory-enhancing charms. In the end, the most interesting thing that happened (other than Quidditch restarting, finally!) was that Professor Quirrel was quietly transferred to St. Mungos in a profound, unbreakable trance after being found in front of a cursed mirror deep within the bowels of the school, where he'd evidently been for almost four days before Dumbledore had stumbled upon him. Given that defense professors never lasted more than a year, even this didn't come as too much of a surprise.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

A shiny blue car pulled up in front of the Burrow a week after term had ended, and a small frizzy-haired bullet sped out of it to the chagrin of her parents who marched at a much more sedate pace behind her to knock on the slightly askew door. When it opened fully, the Drs. Granger found their daughter already embracing two red-headed twins (Fred and George, they surmised) and the boy with dreadlocks (Lee, her new _best_ big brother, evidently) and trying to hand them the Muggle presents she'd obtained for them.

"They're Muggle pranks and just other things we use that wizards don't," she was explaining, "that I thought might be useful for -"

"For academic research and our own self-improvement?" George interrupted loudly.

"Golly, Hermione, what thoughtful gifts that will surely keep us out of trouble!" Lee added in an equally loud, stilted voice.

The four of them looked nervously at the six adults and rushed out of the room, followed by the quiet laughter from their parents.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

On August 1st, the same crowd was crammed into Hermione's kitchen-minus the witch and her mother, who were at the library down the street.

The kitchen itself was festooned with streamers, glittery signs shaped like books and potions bottles, and-a rarer treat-mounds of sugary treats.

"Do you think she'll be surprised?" George asked.

"If the letters she's been sending us that say 'Upon further consideration, I am completely sure I messed up Question 6 which surely brings my score below passing' are any indication, yes, she'll be absolutely shocked," Fred riposted.

"Your Hermione voice needs some work, mate. There wasn't nearly enough panic in that!" Lee critiqued, smiling. The loud guffaw from Hermione's father made him grin wider.

"I do have to thank you, Arthur, for obtaining the results in person for us so we could do this surprise celebration for Hermione. Both Anne and I are so proud of our daughter-both for her academic accomplishments in a world we knew nothing about until last year and for her excellent choice in friends!" The Granger patriarch raised his mug of coffee to Mr. Weasley who was briefly torn away from his inspection of the kitchen appliances to return the gesture.

"Forge, Gred! Did you hear that? We're 'excellent choices' in friends! I think we'll need to get a picture of this moment, have it signed… send copies to all our professors." Lee wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "Never thought I'd see the day!"

Molly Weasley half-hearted swatted at the air in front of her twins as if the motion could prevent any of this information from reaching their ears. Further discussion was halted by the sound of voices coming down the front walk.

"Quick, hide!" Lee squeaked.

Moments later, the door creaked open and Hermione's voice ("And I can't believe I managed to snag the newest Brian Jacques book! I really thought that Tommy from primary school was going to reach it first!") wafted into the kitchen-now conspicuously devoid of any party-goers.

Hermione and her mother stepped into the kitchen and Anne flipped the light-switch-the pre-agreed upon signal-at which point the eight hidden figures jumped out and yelled "congratulations!" to a wide-eyed Hermione.

"Congratulations for-oh my gooodness, is it my exams?!" Hermione cried.

"Miss Hermione Granger received perfect marks-the first ever, I was informed-on her advanced placement test," Arthur Weasley solemnly informed her as he handed her the scroll with the official results. Right on cue, the streamers emitted a cloud of glitter over everyone!

"I can't believe it!" Hermione squealed. "I was so sure-"

"I'd completely botched Question 6," Lee and the twins chorused with her.

She glared at them before happily returning her gaze to her results scroll.

"Honey, you can re-read your scroll after everyone has left. Don't you want cake?" her mother nudged.

"Oh, yes!"

She quickly ran over to her big brothers and was soon smothered with attention from the mischievous trio.

After the group dove into the cake-a marvelous chocolate creation that all the adults assured Mrs. Weasley would be a major hit if she ever opened a bake shop-Mr. Granger cleared his throat.

"One last surprise for everyone. We have some tents set up in the yard-" he paused as the four youngsters ran into the back room to look out the window for confirmation. "-so that Lee, Fred, and George can stay the night and then come with us to Thorpe Park."

He grimaced at the sudden cacophony from four teens screaming with joy and excitement.

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Mrs. Jordan asked after four of them had trouped outside to investigate the tents.

"I thought I heard one of them mention a bonfire," Mr. Jordan added thoughtfully.

Mrs. Granger laughed, "We're fine. We can handle pandemonium for 36 hours. After all, this pandemonium has made Hermione the happiest we've ever seen her. She didn't have many friends in primary school-partially because she was so focused on her work and the rules-so we're absolutely thrilled with how close she is to those three boys. I know we've told you this before, but before they adopted her, we were getting letters from her describing how she was being snubbed by other classmates and not feeling like she fit in anywhere. And then, Nov. 1st, everything changed. For the better."

"Despite the glitter," Mr. Granger muttered as he tried to pick pieces of the stuff off his sleeve.

"Despite the glitter," she laughed again.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Sorry this update took so long; serious writer's block!**

**Emma3mikan: Yes, I thought that without Ron and Harry's adventures taking up her time, she was way too far ahead to not skip forward.**

**Guest, MrsPotterDrEw, buriedromance, tbirdstar, anon1, Smithback: Thanks so much! I'm glad you're enjoying this!**

**RebeccaRoy: It was so hard to decide who would win! Glad it seemed fitting.**

"Weasley's World of Wonders," Fred suggested.

"Weasley's Wizarding Wonderland?" George mused, tossing an every-flavour bean into his mouth then quickly grimacing.

Hermione bustled into the compartment and swished her wand to levitate the trunk upwards.

"Gosh," she breathed as she settled next to Lee, "I've missed being able to use magic for things like that! I'm so excited to be back."

Lee ruffled her hair, earning himself a swatted arm.

"Fred's Fabulous Funland," George continued. "George's Gregarious … er, what else starts with 'g'?"

Hermione glanced at Lee. "What are they on about now?"

"They want to start their own wizarding amusement park, like the one your parents took us to but, you know, with magic. It's a great idea, even if their names are rubbish. They've been on this track for, oh, about fifteen minutes already."

"Have they considered any names that don't involve their own?" Hermione wondered aloud, grinning.

"Nope. It's like we don't even exist. And you and I both know who'll be doing most of the planning," Lee grinned back. He offered the young witch a chocolate frog which she eagerly accepted.

"I suppose the wonder twins don't have our special sibling bond though, so maybe we should let them have this?" she suggested around a mouthful of chocolate.

"I actually think the 'Wonder Twins' has a nice ring to it," Lee joked. With a slight lurch, the train set out on its journey to Hogwarts.

**It was shaping up to be a great year.**

**JP**JP**JP**

"What are you doing there, Lee?" Fred asked curiously.

Lee was bent over a cauldron with a set of notes to the side, looking uncharacteristically studious. Fred was suddenly struck with worry that adopting Hermione as a little sister might have had some terrible, unintended side-effects. The two had been as thick as thieves on the train ride, not to mention having written twice as often over the summer as Fred and George, since they had sent joint letters (or so Lee claimed; Fred thought this was ridiculous; George thought it was a stupid argument).

"Revenge," the boy responded distractedly. "Hand me the Valerian root?"

"What sort of revenge?" Fred asked, relieved it wasn't something horrible, like homework.

"This is Hermione's first day taking advanced classes. I figure some of the new third years won't _appreciate_ that, and while I do strongly believe that Hermione can handle herself, I believe it is my solemn duty as her favorite big brother to have her back."

"She does have more moral scruples than we do," Fred agreed.

"That didn't answer the question-" George groused.

"Of what sort of revenge this is," Fred finished.

"You know our experimental Pooting Powder?" Lee added the last bit of Dragon Dung with a flourish.

"Do I ever!" Fred laughed.

"I don't know if Charlie will ever eat anything we give him ever again," George reminisced.

"And his face! Running after us while farting non-stop," Fred's face was the picture of bliss as he too sunk into the fond memories.

"Exactly!" Lee enthused. "I've improved it. Well, by improved it, I mean extended the life-time of it."

"By?" George asked, leaning over the potion intently.

"By about a week!" Lee crowed.

He held his hands up for both twins to high-five.

"Wicked," they breathed in synchrony.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

"What do you mean you handled it?" Lee whined.

"I told them 'I was one of the oldest in my year anyways, so it makes sense I moved up,'" Hermione shrugged.

"Now don't you get sassy with us, young lady!" Fred admonished in a fair imitation of his mother.

"I really wasn't being sassy! You're being sassy!" she exclaimed.

"But we had this great revenge planned," Lee continued to whine.

"Shouldn't you be happy that I can handle myself?" Hermione huffed, putting her hands on her hips and striking a bit of a dramatic pose.

"In the most boring way possible! It's like you've forgotten all our lessons from last year. Our plan involved an improved Pooting Powder…"

"So I would have had to deal with a horrible stench all day from my classmates? No thanks!" Hermione wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Plus, having me on teachers' good sides always serves us well. How many near calls did I help out with last year?"

"She makes a fair point, Forge."

"That she does, Gred."

"Indeed she does," Lee pouted. "But the Pooting Powder is so funny! And I modified it so it lasts for an extra long time."

"Well, if you wanted to use it on a group I don't interact with, like, oh, say, second year Slytherins," Hermione had flopped into her favorite chair and already had a book out.

The three older boys ignored the gesture and sank into the adjoining chairs and started sketching out how to get the powder into the Slytherins' morning tea.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

Halloween was quickly approaching, and Fred, George, and Lee had realized with horror that they had neither accomplished any truly monumental pranks yet this year nor had they planned anything to celebrate their junior-est prankster.

"I imagine this is the feeling folks get when they realize an exam is coming up and they haven't studied," George moaned. "How could this have happened?"

"We went for small stuff-the pooting powder, the colored eye-lash charm, those laughing gas bubbles-"

"Those were really good. I think we should keep that on our list for the shop," Lee interrupted.

"Hermione has the list. Take it up with your sister," Fred griped as he dramatically slouched across the couch. "George is right though, we're terribly behind. We haven't had a single epic prank yet, despite all the new ideas from the Muggle world."

"I thought the pooting powder project really had potential. Snape made an antidote way too fast," Lee whined. His new version of the powder had only lasted 5 hours before the potions master had rescued his snakes. Fortunately, he had at least recruited the little Creevy kid to take photos of the frenzy that had occurred as the other students fled the smelly Slytherins. Hermione had made him three nice frames so he could hang the photos next to his bed.

"And, party for the junior prankster," Fred reminded them. "Anniversary of her adoption into our esteemed league of pranking."

"What if we combined them?" George nearly shouted, sitting up.

"I'm listening, brother-mine."

"Okay, so what if we give Hermione a pranking test-she loves tests-and those pranks somehow build into a larger mega-prank."

"I like where this is going!" Lee pulled out some parchment and a quill. "Three stages, like a sort of scavenger hunt?"

"Make it seven. She loves a challenge and we'll have her moping for days if it's too easy," Fred suggested. Lee nodded.

"Wait, are we pranking Hermione or she pranking everyone else? Or are we pranking everyone through Hermione?" George asked.

"It was your idea!"

"Which means my genius needs a few seconds to recharge! I thought you two could at least take a gem like this and run with it." He sniffed haughtily until Lee tackled him and all three boys fell to laughing uproariously. They were already back on track, they could feel it.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

"We didn't do it!"

Fred and George heard the voice of their youngest brother up ahead and wordlessly sprinted forward. They found Ron with Harry being berated by an enraged, crying Filch. Lee and Hermione were close behind and gasped when they took in the full scene-Mrs. Norris hanging stiff as a board from the wall underneath sloppy red letters that stated "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware!"

They had celebrated too soon on their glorious return to pranking supremacy, Fred reflected grimly as the crowd around them grew. Either something terrible had just happened or someone was upstaging their pranking in a big way. The latter seemed much more likely.

"Why would you terrible boys hurt poor Mrs. Norris? I bet you set them to do it!"

Fred was broken from his musings by the gnarled finger of Filch quivering inches from his face.

"Of course they didn't! Fred, George, and Lee would never hurt a cat!" Hermione cried passionately. The boys nodded vigorously, and Fred made a mental note to destroy all the parchments that detailed some of their more nefarious plans for Mrs. Norris before Hermione found them. As his eyes drifted back to her frozen form though, he had to admit, even they had never even considered killing the evil thing.

"Argus, what is going on here?" the headmaster soothed.

Soon, he had explained that Mrs. Norris was merely petrified and not dead, to which point Filch nearly fainted with relief, and the crowd began to disperse, still frantically whispering about who could have done this and wondering what the Chamber of Secrets was.

They really had been completely upstaged!

** JP ** JP ** JP **

"Why don't we figure out who they are? Know thine enemy," Hermione suggested.

They quartet had been buried in books and brainstorming for several hours after the event with Mrs. Norris. A quick skim of _Hogwarts a History_ ("best pranking purchase we ever made," Fred assured Hermione) provided almost no information on the Chamber, although George swore he'd heard Bill tell him a scary story about it once.

"You're right. They have to be planning something else on top of this, otherwise they'd have picked something everyone already knew. This Chamber of Secrets is too obscure," Lee agreed.

"Or it hasn't been invented yet! What if this is some sort of marketing scheme for an amusement park? The Chamber of Secrets would be a wicked name for that sort of thing!" George looked positively panicked.

"That seems unlikely," Hermione mused. "But we should be really careful no one hears about our ideas and plans. I'll look up some spells for us to use when we talk about the park. And you already put jinxes on all the parchments, so they should be safe."

"So glad we adopted you a year ago," Lee chirped. "So pragmatic and talented!"

"We did have a whole event planned for you, but it all seems really lame and pointless in light of our new battle," Fred added, pouting.

"Oh! But we also have cake!" George scurried up to the dorm to grab the cake they had asked the house elves to make. When the small kitchen denizens had heard it was for their beloved pranksters and Missus Grangy, they had crafted a true work of art; the cake was shaped like Hogwarts with different types of cake scattered throughout so every bit was a surprise. It towered at nearly a meter high and only the cushioning charms the elves had added when they clucked in disapproval at the boys' plans for transporting it had ensured its survival thus far.

As the group tucked into the cake, laughing as they tried to find all of the flavors, Fred suddenly exclaimed, "Oy! The map! We can use the map to figure out who is doing this."

An uncharacteristic silence greeted him.

"How will we know what we're looking for though? It could be literally anyone and since we don't know what the next prank will be, we don't even know what to be looking out for." George's serious response was rendered less impressive by the streak of pink frosting that rimmed his lips.

"We know it'll be big," Fred argued. "So we need to be watching for someone or multiple someones doing really odd things. Going odd places. We can trade off using the map between all four of us to cover more time."

"What about the middle of the night?" Hermione asked skeptically as she carefully turned the cake to reach the turret with the lemon cake.

"Well, we might miss some things, but monitoring at night is easy because practically no one is out at night. Or we could bribe Peeves to help us-"

"Because that went so well last time?" Lee asked, affronted. He'd landed in detention for nearly three weeks after that fiasco.

"Or we could leave Peeves out of it," Fred quickly amended. "Anyways, I'm not saying it's the whole solution, but I think it's a critical component."

"Fine, but I'm not monitoring it during class," Hermione huffed.

"Never expected you to," Fred tried to ruffle her hair and was rewarded with a light stinging hex.

Hogwarts had been nearly half-demolished before the group wrapped up their discussion and Fred took the first watch with the map.


	5. Chapter 5

Brandishing the Marauder's map and pacing in front of his three co-conspirators Fred grandly announced, "Despite our best monitoring efforts, surprisingly-"

"Not," Hermione muttered.

"Surprisingly," he emphasized, giving what he imagined was a quelling glare, "has yielded little-"

"None," George corrected.

"Little," Fred practically growled, "information for our quest to find the Unknown Prankster."

"Sorry, twin, I meant to say no useful information," George amended. Hermione and Lee snickered.

"I happen to find the information that Percy and Penelope Clearwater sometimes linger in classrooms together after hours to be quite-"

"Disgusting? Vomit inducing?" his twin helpfully supplied.

"Fine," Fred deflated. "We haven't turned up anything with our monitoring but- yes, Mini-Lee?"

Hermione was practically bouncing on her seat between George and Lee, her hand in the air as if she were back in September of her first year.

"I have something to report," she crowed.

"And you waited all this time to tell us!" Lee ruffled her hair as she smirked at him.

"I wanted to see what Fred's update was first," she replied impishly.

Fred sank to the ground dramatically. "Upstaged by our own protege. How do I ever recover from this ignoble defeat? I thought we had years left before it came to this!"

"Oy! Don't drag all of us down in your defeat because of your daft idea," George griped, poking his twin with his toe. "I nearly fell asleep in History of Magic after monitoring that damn map all night!"

"You always almost fall asleep in History of Magic," Lee cheerily informed him.

"Ahem. Would anyone like to hear my update?"

"Yes!" three voices chorused, one a big glummer than the rest.

"So, I waited until after History of Magic class ended and asked Professor Binns about the Chamber of Secrets. I think if he wasn't already dead he would have had a heart attack and died he looked so surprised to see a student asking him a question! Anyways, after arguing with him about it's not being 'real history' and a 'tawdry fable,' he finally told me about it. Apparently the legend goes eons back, back to the days of the founders. Slytherin didn't want to admit Muggleborns but he got outvoted-real history up until this point. Unwilling to have his name attached to such a degraded institution, Slytherin walked out but - and here's where we get into the legend territory - apparently left behind a huge Chamber of Secrets into which he placed some terrible creature that could be controlled only by his heir. The legend states that this creature would rid the school of those Slytherin considered unworthy of education. So definitely me, good likelihood that includes the half-bloods and blood traitors, but who really knows. Anyways, apparently there have been a great many expeditions to try to find said Chamber and said beast, to no avail, thus the confidence in its status as 'legend.'"

"Blimey. I was peeved that this U.P. was being creepy and upstaging us, but he-"

"-or she-"

"Or she, is really stooping to new lows! Threatening to open a Chamber that releases some sort of deadly, bigoted creature," George murmured.

"But no one knows that, except us," Lee reminded them. "I think everyone would be a lot more terrified if they knew what the Chamber of Secrets was."

"Malfoy was making some comments at dinner insinuating that he knew all about it," Fred offered. "So some people might know, and if the prankster ramps this up, that knowledge will definitely spread. I agree this isn't a stand-alone prank; it's part of a series."

"Are we at all worried it's real?" Lee queried. His eyes followed Hermione with worry.

"I doubt it. Why now? If there is an Heir of Slytherin, it seems likely it'd be Malfoy but then why didn't it come out for Malfoy Senior?"

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Hermione exclaimed. "There was one other time it was allegedly opened. Before Malfoy senior's time though. 1943, exactly 50 years ago. A student actually died-but it turned out to be unrelated; Hagrid's Acromantula had killed the girl and that's why he was expelled."

"What?" the boys breathed in near unison.

"Hagrid killed someone? I can't believe that!"

"Hagrid didn't kill anyone, his pet Acromantula did," Hermione huffed.

"Still," Fred mused, "That doesn't sound like him at all. Well, I suppose he does really love dangerous creatures…"

The group chuckled half-heartedly. They all remembered the incident last year when Hagrid had somehow obtained a baby dragon that had nearly burned his house down before Dumbledore had intervened and called Charlie Weasley in to take it away.

"He must feel terrible about it, though, even if it was an accident. He probably knew the student," Lee suggested gloomily.

After a few moments of silence as they all pictured the gruesome death of a student wrapped in Acromantula webbing, George broke in, "Okay, so we know this legend is about the Heir of Slytherin and the Chamber of Secrets and blood-purity shenanigans. How does this help us find the prankster?"

"I can try to look up more about the Slytherin lineage. That might at least help us predict what they're planning next," Hermione offered.

"I'm going to continue monitoring the map," Fred asserted ignoring the groans from his companions.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

"Learned anything useful?"

Hermione jumped, hearing Fred's voice so close by.

"You freaking terrified me!" she chastised. He smirked.

"And, no. Nothing other than Slytherin's descendants were really just awful. Madame Pince almost didn't let me take the books - said that students wanting this information were never up to any good - but I also found out that no one else has checked them out, so whoever is doing this either doesn't know about the Slytherin lineage or got their information elsewhere."

"So any snot-nosed-inbred-cares-too-much-about-Blood-Purity Slytherin then?"

"Yeah, pretty much. But back to the awfulness of Slytherin's children. He had one daughter, who killed two of her children because they were 'weak;' she obviously went to Azkaban after that. The surviving son was actually one of the least offensive descendants. He tried to push through legislation in the Wizengamot to allow Muggle-hunting, but otherwise, pretty mild. His descendent though… over the next couple of generations, siblings killed each other, the ones that didn't and tried to lead normal lives for a few generations were later hunted down by their distant cousins either to 'honor their heritage' or make sure they were the only heir to the Slytherin line. It's really a miracle they didn't actually drive the line to extinction. Anyways, the last-and as far as we know, only-descendants were Morfin and Merope Gaunt. She died in 1929, while Morfin and his father died in the late 1940s in Azkaban after they tortured a local Muggle named Tom Riddle to death. None of them went to Hogwarts though; they were apparently completely insane and only spoke Parseltongue."

"That actually seems like quite a lot of information." Fred peered over her shoulder at her neat notes.

"But none of it is useful. No current students are related to Slytherin or even married into the family; they died out too long ago. And nothing in these histories suggests something the prankster is likely to use in their upcoming work."

"What about the Parseltongue thing? That could be incorporated."

Hermione rewarded his idea by circling "Parseltongue" in bright red.

"How's your map monitoring going?" Hermione smirked at him.

"Ugh, not well at all! If I wanted to start a gossip service, it would be going swimmingly. Your naive little mind would be shocked, nay, appalled to see how many students are locked together in classrooms after hours! That and I have a pretty good sense of who skips class on the reg. That Peter bloke in your original year does all the flipping time, for example."

"There's no Peter in my current or former class," Hermione replied, already writing down questions about Parseltongue.

"He's in Gryffindor. I can't believe you don't know him."

"Do you know him?" Hermione inquired. She'd abandoned her parchment to look at Fred again.

"I mean, I've never met him, I don't think," he responded. "But I've seen him on the map in Ron's dorm all the time and in class-he usually sits by Ron when he bothers to go."

"I'll bet you 10 galleons there is no Peter in that class. I'd definitely remember. I memorized my whole cohort the first night we got here so I could try to make friends."

"Done! I'll go ask one of the boys in that dorm, and you will bow down to my superior knowledge," he crowed.

"Fine." Hermione was already packing up her books, ready to head back to the Gryffindor Common Room. "I'll just put these books back and walk back with you."

** JP ** JP ** JP **

"Nope, definitely no Peter," Harry responded. "It's me, Ron, Neville, Dean, and Seamus. Has been since our first day."

"Agreed," Ron chimed in.

"Hah!" Hermione held out her hand meaningfully to Fred, who just looked baffled.

"Thanks, Harry, Ron," he muttered distractedly. The bespeckled boy looked similarly confused, but flashed them both a smile and returned to the other side of the common room with Ron, who was glaring at his older brother.

"We need to call a Prankster Team conference. Emergency," he whispered to Hermione.

"Because you're bitter you're wrong?" she whispered back.

"No, because I'm pretty damn confused about this whole situation!"

Hermione nodded, appreciating the desire not to be confused about anything. She darted up the stairs to the boys' dormitories to find Lee and George and emerged a minute later with an intrigued George and peeved Lee; his hair was still wet from the shower and the moisture on his arms suggested that he might not have actually finished his cleaning before being summoned.

Fred cast a few spells around them to hide their conversation.

"Thank you all for coming on such short notice-"

"Cut to the chase. Some of us were busy," Lee growled.

"Right. Okay, so I mentioned to Hermione that Peter from her original year often skives off class; I see him on the map in the Gryff dorm all the time during the day. But," he gave a theatrical wave, "Hermione-and Ron and Harry confirm-says there is no Peter in their year."

The silence that greeted him was less awed than he seemed to have expected.

"And this merited dragging me from my shower, why?" Lee demanded.

"Because he's on the map in that dorm all the time! And in class with them. Who is he? The map has never been wrong before," Fred sounded affronted.

"That we know of," Hermione argued. "It could be wrong loads of times, but we can't go across the castle and check every time. Maybe it's another prank they added in that you've just noticed."

"Well, we can investigate this right now. Where is Peter Pettigrew?"

Fred pulled the map out of his pocket and tapped it with his wand, muttering the passcode under his breath. The castle bled into existence on the ratty page and four sets of eyes eagerly scanned for the mysterious name.

"There!" Lee pointed at the tiny dot in the Gryffindor dorms.

"Okay, let's go see who it is!"

The four of them rushed up the stairs and clambered into the second year boys' dorm, apologizing to Neville and Seamus who looked rather confused to see the crowd that was entering the room.

"And it's no one," Hermione chirped. "Let's go."

"Wait, let's look around a bit, if that's okay?" George clearly had decided to back up his twin a little on this, but after several minutes of looking under beds and in closets decided Hermione had been right. This Peter Pettigrew didn't exist.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thanks for following thus far! We should hopefully get to some light-hearted pranking again soon, but not quite yet...**

**Lilyflower49: Thanks! Glad you're enjoying it!**

**Guest: Yes, I know that watching them react to Peter's name on the map is frustrating. I figured they wouldn't know what to make of it and wouldn't immediately jump to the answer we all know. Muahaha!**

**Vadimmom: Thanks!**

**Tbirdstar: Thanks! I always wondered when folks thought it was weird that Fred and George didn't notice Peter's name near their brother and wanted to explore how else that might have gone.**

Things settled almost back to normal. The quartet kept an eye out for signs of pranking preparations, but with classes, Quidditch practice, and needing to get some pranks of their own started, the mystery of the Upstart Prankster was nearly forgotten.

The mystery of Peter Pettigrew still haunted Fred, though he couldn't get any of his friends (even his other half had abandoned him!) interested in it. The name still showed up on the map, usually in the boys' dorm, but every once in a while in a classroom or even in the dining hall. Fred had skived a few times from his own classes to try to glimpse this person, to no avail. They'd never seen anything else like this from their trusty map, and if it was prank from the mapmakers, well it was either really good-because it was driving him mental-or it was so complex they didn't even understand it yet. Sometimes when he daydreamt, he imagined what the full prank would be-maybe a new layer of the map?-because he couldn't quite imagine that the prank was just an fake dot on the map, no matter how often Lee suggested that the fact that Fred was so obsessed with it suggested it was, in fact, a brilliant prank just as it was. But just having an extra name float around, doing boring things didn't have quite the flair that he imagined the brilliant pranksters who made the map would cook up. But he was fast running out of ideas for how to trigger this epic prank and other than morosely checking on this "Peter"'s whereabouts from time to time, even he began to lose interest.

Their collective distraction was heavily influenced by the amount of time Quidditch had taken up in their lives. Their November match was against Slytherin, who had all new brooms courtesy of Malfoy senior. Wood had gone mental, making the team practice whenever they could get the pitch and many times when they couldn't-reviewing strategy or doing all sorts of training exercises he'd read about in _Quidditch Monthly_. When George had suggested at least they were all looking quite fit, Wood had made them train twice as hard for not taking this seriously. Hermione and Lee were working on some sort of secret project that they swore was Quidditch related. The only reason the twins remotely believed them was because they'd gotten some of the Quidditch mad Gryffindors, including their younger brother, to contribute. But they were almost too tired from practice to investigate!

** JP ** JP ** JP **

The day of the Quidditch match dawned, clear and crisp. Both twins actually felt a bit nervous. The team had been training at a near professional pace for the last couple of weeks and after seeing the little Malfoy brat strutting around bragging about the Slytherin's brooms and how his personal Quidditch trainer had been coaching him all summer, they all were quite invested in pummeling the snakes in this match.

As the team slowly floated into the air, Lee's magically amplified voice boomed around them.

"Both teams have kicked off. The Slytherin team looks pretty fierce on those new brooms that Mr. Malfoy bought for the team, absolutely not on the condition that his son was put on the team. For entirely different reasons."

The twitter of laughter from the stands suggested his deadpan delivery was doing more to undermine Mini-Malfoy's credibility than any out-right attacks.

"The Lions are looking rather fit these days. Rumors suggest that a grueling practice schedule has made them leaner, stronger, and faster, but we'll see how this match goes!"

Lee grinned. Thus far he hadn't said anything to make McGonagall take the mic. His new strategy was going well so far.

"Madame Hooch has released the balls. The game's afoot! The Snitch is already out of sight, both Seekers looking to gain the high ground to search for it.

"Oh, Montague has the Quaffle and making a drive towards the posts… woah! The Lions have just executed a Chudley Chokehold and taken possession! Brilliant work by the Beaters and by Chaser Johnson to execute that play, first used against the Chudley Cannons in 1845. Miss Johnson's really top notch this year, folks!"

The stands erupted in cheers, drowning out the boos from the Slytherin section. Hermione used this time to unveil the project she and others had been working on. Every student in the Gryffindor section held up a placard on her cue, and with a swish of her wand, letters appeared spelling out "Great play Gryffs!"

"And the Gryffindor stands are showing some nifty wandwork here, displaying signs across the whole student section. Quite a lot of team spirit."

Lee winked at Hermione, who smirked and waved her wand again, changing the message to "Gryffindor Chasers chase victory!"

"Spinnet has the Quaffle is flying like a madwoman! Wow, that twist to avoid the Bludger, makes me feel queasy just watching. Bole is sending it back towards her...oh, but Weasley just deflected. Spinnet passes to Johnson, oh no, it was a feint and she scores!"

The signs held by Gryffindor each started cycling through a rainbow of colors, making the whole Gryffindor stand look like a giant disco ball. Many of the students pulled small canisters of enchanted confetti out of their robes to launch into the air, adding to the sense of celebration and chaos.

"And more celebration from the Gryffindor stands. I do hope everyone there realizes the score is still 10-0 and this game is far from over though!"

Lee's pronouncement was met with groans from the Gryffindors and jeers from the Slytherin stands.

"Flint has the Quaffle now and is flanked by this fellow chasers in a neat Dragon's Dodge formation. Really high-level game-play we're seeing here today folks. Oh-oh my! What is Potter doing?"

"Do not watch!" Wood bellowed, his voice somehow carrying despite his lack of amplification.

His team obeyed, but the stands did not. The students were transfixed as a bludger, far from any of the Beaters, pivoted in mid-air to cannon towards the small Gryffindor Seeker. Potter darted away, his eyes never shifting from the Bludger to the air around him.

Again, the Bludger turned and hurled itself towards Potter, who this time flipped upside down to avoid being hit.

"And for the second time in his short Quidditch career, Potter seems to be facing cursed equipment. Incidentally, the last time this occurred was also against Slytherin, which is a very weird coincidence and not at all an accusation."

Gasps filled the air as the Bludger continued to aim for small boy on the broom. Potter was clearly trying to lose altitude, although the quick turns and flips he was continually performing slowed his progress.

"While Potter struggles with the bizarre behavior from the Bludger, the Slytherins have wasted no time trying to press their advantage. Oooh, nice save by Wood! Oh my! Are they really targeting him with the other Bludger right now?"

The Slytherin team had clearly decided that taking Potter out of the game permanently was a reasonable strategy, as both Beaters had abandoned their Chasers and were doggedly passing the remaining Bludger between the two of them, also targeting the small Seeker.

"The Weasleys have joined the fray and-ouch, that looks like it hurt! But, no Madame Hooch is not calling a foul for that, folks."

The black haired Slytherin Beater bared his teeth at Fred, who looked innocently confused after hurtling his broom into the man.

Faint cries of "call time-out" could be heard from the Gryffindor stands, but before Lee could comment or Wood could listen, Potter had started a nosedive.

"Potter is diving, smart move lad, to get away from this fracas. Or not! He's spotted the Snitch! Malfoy is now hot on his trail. Woah, sharp turn there as the two Seekers chase the little fellow. Potter's swinging out wide but gaining ground, oh Merlin!"

In the next few seconds, the rogue Bludger had found its quarry and lifted him clear off his broom. Ignoring his lack of transport, the small boy still reached out his hand for the Snitch.

"Professor! Stop his fall!" Lee shouted.

Fortunately, the safe-guards from the year prior allowed the collective wands of the Hogwarts staff to arrest Potter's fall and freeze the Bludger. When his feet touched the ground, Potter held his fist in the air triumphantly, the fluttering white wings visible through his fingers.

"And incredibly, Potter has proved why he deserves to be the youngest Seeker in a century! Catching the Snitch while de-broomed! Gryffindor wins 160-10!"

The roar of the crowd was deafening, while the confetti, fireworks, and flashing signs from the Gryffindor stands were blinding. Lee's commentary about how Hogwarts really needed to start improving their Quidditch safety and tampering checks went unheard. Despite the trickery, they'd won!

** JP ** JP ** JP **

Hermione rushed from the stands so she could meet the team when they emerged from the locker room. She had to stop by the kitchens first to let the House Elves know they would indeed be needing the cake and punch for a celebratory party afterwards. She hadn't been willing to accidentally jinx their performance by ordering the supplies first.

But on her way back to the locker room, she nearly tripped over a prone Colin Creevy, his camera held in front of his frozen face, smoking gently.

"Oh my gosh! Colin?" she shouted.

Hearing no response, she shook him gently, but his body didn't move at all. She looked desperately down the hallway and cursed as she saw no one. She needed a Professor, immediately, but she was loath to leave the poor first year boy just lying there.

"Help!" she screamed. Her feeble voice seemed to echo in the suddenly foreboding hallway. Distantly she could hear the students laughing and stomping as they exited the stands.

Suddenly, she remembered what the House Elves had told her about the party supplies. She would simply call for Tibby when they were ready to start…

"Tibby!" she cried.

"Mistress Hermione, the cake isn't-oh my! Master Creevy!" The elf's admonition at being called moments after placing the order devolved quickly into sobs.

"Tibby, can you get Professor Dumbledore or Madame Pomfrey here right away?"

The elf nodded, causing tears to fly into the air, and disappeared with a satisfying pop.

Hermione stood there awkwardly, waiting for help to arrive, hoping that whoever had done this to Colin wasn't waiting around the corner for her.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I've finally gotten some momentum on this story, so we should be set for weekly updates for a while. This is a bit free-wheeling overall, so I'm not totally sure how many chapters to expect. Feedback on what you like / don't like (e.g., more Weasley pranks? more cute Lee / Hermione sibling stuff? plot?) can very much steer the direction at this point, otherwise I'll just listen to the characters and where they think they're headed!**

When Hermione finally got back to the common room, the party was in full swing; evidently someone else had gone down to the kitchens to get the food from the elves, as the tables were piled high with treats. Hermione felt like she was in another world after waiting in an empty hall with a dead-looking classmate and then talking with the grave Headmaster in the Hospital Wing.

"Hermione!" Lee scooped her up and started to spin her but stopped when he saw her haggard face. "What happened?"

"Actually, everyone needs to hear this," she stated in a quivering voice.

Lee pointed his wand at his throat and muttered "sonorous" before shouting, "Oy! Everyone! Mini-Lee has an important announcement!"

She tried to force a grin at the affectionate name but failed. The room grudgingly ground to a quiet hum.

"Colin Creevey has been petrified, just like Mrs. Norris. He's in the hospital wing with the Headmaster and Madame Pomfrey," she stated.

The whispers and gasps spread like Fiendfyre across the common room. A soft crash of a goblet hitting the ground sounded near the fireplace.

"Petrified?" Lee asked, grimacing as he realized his voice was still unnaturally loud.

She nodded, the stress of the afternoon catching up with her. Tears leaked from her eyes.

"They can't wake him up until the mandrakes grow up. Maybe months! He was holding his camera right in front of his face; he was probably going towards the locker room just like I was, but I'd stopped at the kitchens first. When Dumbledore opened the camera to see if he'd seen his attacker, this grimy black smoke billowed out… And Colin just looks so awful, like he'd been hit with a Body-bind but even his eyes don't move!"

She collapsed, fully sobbing now into Lee's arms as the twins elbowed their way over to envelope them in a bigger hug.

The shocked whispers slowly crescendoed and Fred started waving away folks who wanted to ask Hermione more questions.

"Leave her alone! I'm sure McGonagall will be here any minute with an update for all of us. She's just a third year; she doesn't have any more insight than what she told you all!"

Personally, Fred actually really doubted that. Their little prankster always amazed them with her knowledge and insights, but given that she was nearly convulsing as she cried, their job was just to protect her.

"I'm taking her up to the dorm. Keep this lot out, okay?" Lee muttered, hoisting her up in his arms. The two Beaters nodded and helped clear the way through the crowd.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

The next morning at breakfast, the whole school was buzzing with the news. McGonagall had indeed come to the Common Room to share basically the same information as Hermione, minus the minor histrionics. Colin would be fine, with no repercussions beyond missing some class. No, they had not apprehended the culprit. No, they did not think it was a student. Yes, the Ministry had been informed.

Suddenly, Malfoy's strident voice carried across the room. "Finally Slytherin's heir is ridding this place of Muggle filth. He warned everyone with Mrs. Norris and now he's down to business. That camera brat is lucky he's alive! The Mudbloods are probably too stupid to know they aren't wanted, and this Muggle-loving administration is too incompetant to even keep the magical weaklings safe. I've already written father all about it."

"Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall's shocked voice rang out across the room, "Detention, every night this week with me."

"Just worried about the students, Professor," he challenged, grinning as some of his fellow Slytherins snickered.

"As are we all." The headmaster slowly rose from his seat, looking tired. The frantic conversations that had started after Malfoy's pronouncement about the Heir hunting Muggleborns sputtered silent. "As you clearly all know, a student was petrified last night just as Mrs. Norris was on Halloween. The writing left indicates that the perpetrator wants us to believe the legendary Chamber of Secrets has been opened and its fabled beast the culprit. I implore all of you to keep a level head about this unlikely scenario.

"That being said, given an attack on our student body, we must be cautious. Students must adhere to a strict curfew of 8pm and travel in pairs. This is for your safety, so any infractions will be harshly punished, and we will not hesitate to send students home if they cannot behave themselves in a way that is consistent with these new rules.

"I also encourage anyone who has information about these attacks to come forward. Even if you had some involvement with these attacks, you will be treated leniently if you come forward."

With those words, he sank back into his chair as the students exploded into frenzied speculation, fear, and outrage.

** JP ** JP ** JP **

"This Unknown Prankster needs a new name. He's no prankster, more like deranged sociopath. He's gone into the Wizarding War level crazy shite from what Mum and Dad have said. Attacking students with racist language… it's just beyond the pale," Fred groused.

"Not to mention ruining what was shaping up to be an excellent year otherwise," George moped.

McGonagall had pulled the twins and Lee aside to warn them that these were not the times to be testing boundaries. She had already taken the liberty of warning both their sets of parents that any after-hours or out-of-bounds behaviour and they'd be sent home that very day. Which, of course, made all three of them start brainstorming how to get around these restrictions with maximum flair until she added, "And any of these antics would of course endanger your protege, who need I remind you is a Muggleborn. I know she follows at your heels, so please make sure those heels aren't going anywhere that would place her in harm's way."

And so, for the first time any of them could remember, they planned to follow the letter of these new Hogwarts rules. It was depressing, really.

"We just need to find him, fast. He's already wrecked this fall, but we can still salvage the new year."

"Could be a she," Hermione chimed in.

"Or she," Fred added diplomatically.

"Do we have any better ideas for how to do this?" Lee asked.

"And how we're going to stay sane if we can't pull any pranks?" George whined pathetically.

"Are we or are we not the best pranksters that Hogwarts has ever seen?" Hermione cried, startling the three boys so much that Fred actually tipped off the couch. "Yes, we have new restrictions about roaming the castle, and yes, we have an evil arch-nemesis to take down. Is either of those things really going to stop us from our mission of achieving mayhem? Or are we going to treat these rules as constraints to push us to new creativity and new heights? Most creative work flourishes under adversity and constraint, you know. I was just reading this article…"

"And she's back!" Lee shouted, half-tackling her to tickle her. "With that inspiring speech, I wondered where our little prankster bookworm had gone. But then the references started bleeding through! Ahahaha!"

Hermione had hit him with a Tickling Charm in retaliation somewhere around "bookworm."

"But she's right! We were almost ready to rot under these rules, rather than rise against them like the true pranksters we are," George solemnly avowed.

"So we have two goals: first, catch this evil petrifying, fear mongering git who is giving pranking a bad name and two, continue our reign of pranks despite the geographical restrictions we face," Fred finished.

"We should focus on our plan to catch this bigot Heir-wannabe first," Hermione suggested.

"Okay, folks! You heard the lady. Crime-fighting first, then pranks!" Lee announced enthusiastically.

"I am loath to suggest this for fear that my dearest other half's head may explode in excitement, but I think we should monitor the map more. Look for unusual behavior, even if it's something as simple as sitting alone for too long." George stuck his tongue out at Fred, who did indeed look delighted by this unexpected vote of support for his obsession.

"Seconded," Lee added.

"I know Fred's vote, so fourthed," Hermione chirped. "We might consider adding some spells to it to make monitoring easier. I'll bet I can convince Lockhart to let me sign a gazillion books out of the library."

The three boys laughed uproariously at this last pronouncement, causing the tiny third-year to flush pink. They had teased her mercilessly in September when they saw she had drawn hearts on her schedule around Lockhart's name and even aced his inane quiz on his own trivia. When she'd stomped into the common room days later calling him a fraud who probably wouldn't recognize a vampire after it had drained him to a husk and threatening to unmask his idiocy, the boys had convinced her instead to lean in and cultivate him as a hapless ally. Which she had done beautifully, of course, although she was still mortified by the reminder that her initial fawning and admiration had been genuine.

"Okay, so map monitoring extra heavily-"

"With notes," Hermione added.

"With notes," Lee agreed. "What else? I feel like we can't just use this map and hope we see something that we recognize as weird."

"Can we set some sorts of traps? Or monitoring devices around the castle? That way we can know what's going on without being out after hours!" Fred was nearly bouncing in his seat in excitement.

"Yes! Like those CCTV cameras Hermione showed, but with magic!" George mimicked his brother's actions unconsciously.

"We should definitely put some near the Quidditch storage rooms as well. This is the second time Potter's had equipment cursed in as many years," Lee jumped in.

"Shite! I'd actually forgotten about that after the whole incident with Creevey! We should somehow look into those Slytherins. I think Malfoy's being too open to be actually responsible for the Heir stuff, but… worth keeping tabs," Fred added with utmost seriousness.

"What if it's a Gryff, trying to frame a Slytherin?" Hermione whispered.

"You, young lady, have been reading too many mystery books, suspecting a Gryffindor like that!" Fred admonished.

George looked thoughtful. "I reckon they wouldn't have attacked Colin though, would they?"

"Unless he'd irritated them waving that blasted camera in their face…"

They all fell silent as they imagined one of their own attacking the admittedly irritating firstie.

"Okay, fine. Let's focus on the widescale surveillance and map-including Quiddith storage- unless someone comes up with a brilliant strategy for interrogating specific people of interest. Or until we have specific people of interest," Lee stated decisively, ignoring the twin's faux-coughed "Malfoy" and "Flint" suggestions.

"Should we talk to Hagrid? Subtly? Make sure he knows we don't think he did it, but that we think someone is trying to scare students and see if we can get anything useful about what they might be trying to recreate?" asked Hermione.

"Brilliant! We can ask him after Care of Magical creatures… maybe try to cue up something about Acromantula and see if we can get him talking," Fred answered. George and Lee nodded their assent.

"Okay, good planning team. Who wants to take the first watch with the map?" Fred continued.

He pouted as his question was met only with dramatic groans.


End file.
